mash up - November 2014

facebook snippets because this is my space and facebook is easier but things have a tendency to get lost in the ether of too muchness. October 2014

  • sunny skies, a long bike ride, early day errands completed and now ty dog and I will laze around drinking tea, cooking for the week and watch girly flicks (hello practical magic) while duke is making the music in camrose at a tribute to john prine. the only question is how much leftover halloween candy will I eat. hee.
  • apparently there are snow fall warnings all over alberta except for the city of edmonton. sorry everyone but I am happy to wait a while longer. happy dancing on my snow free lawn.
  • she listened to the trees breath their song of slumber and she listened to her ragged breath of fear and struggle as her feet kicked up leaves gone brown and awake never felt so good even as the darkness begged her to sleep.
  • the thing about the cold is that you can layer up in sweaters and cosy socks, feathered up coats and thick knitted toques but nothing prevents your cold nose from running and you reach into fleece lined pockets to discover that you forgot to stock them with kleenex and then you remember that your granny always had some tucked into the ends of her sweaters where rib knit met wrist. and you sniff and smile and do the same.
  • being married to a musician means I come home from the quiet slice of water bubbled lane swimming to the loud move my feet dance of rehearsal's music notes coming up through the floorboards. it also means my dog doesn't come bounding at me with crazy licks because he is with the band don'tcha know and would rather bounce his head to the guitar licks downstairs.
  • An important documentary, directed by Young JIbwe, "Missing" Documentary for Missing and Murdered Women is available to watch online. Please share and stand for these women and their families.

  • on this very dark and rainy november evening, I didn't want to go to the gym and do my leg weight workout. I was exhausted. but I did it and the sweat poured and my legs felt like lead even after a few km run warm up. and now I am even more exhausted. but so proud of myself for pushing through. and now there is a bed waiting for me to fall into it and fall into it I will. as soon as I drag my ass out of the locker room and home.
  • suddenly winter. the first drive is the hardest. I wouldn't mind winter if I didn't have to drive in it. bleh.

suddenly winter

  • guess I better go shovel before it gets dark out. grumble grumble grumble.
  • the arrival of winter snow has me wanting to cozy up with hot chocolate and a good movie and maybe some baked goodness. but sunday is a double workout day. guess I can save the cozy up for the late evening. pushing through the hard days.
  • flashback. i haven't seen this movie in forever but i loved it so much. excited to watch it again.  http://www.amazon.com/Ladies-Gentlemen-Fabulous-Stains-Diane/dp/B0095D82TY/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1415581369&sr=8-1&keywords=ladies+and+gentlemen+the+fabulous+stains
  • big warm hooded coat sounds great in theory. and it is. if you don't mind hair knots rat nest, unintentional dreads, hair caught in zipper, getting cross purse off, driving with hood hiding side views, static and all the other associated pains of the constant coat off - coat on. oh well. at least I am warm.
  • the look of winter. yeah yeah no makeup, no filter, eek.

winterme

  • happy birthday michelle, ma belle, my sister no longer of this earth, the butterfly wing of love. I miss you and love you. today and everyday. born on the day of remembrance and died in the spring of easter, grateful you gave me holidays to mark the line of your life.
  • note to self: bring warm blanket to work tomorrow because my window view cubicle is effing freezing. like. unbelievably shaking all day with my coat on my lap cold.
  • contemplating the day, lipstick helps.

lipstick

  • she stood and stumbled, face as white as the soft sheet that supported her and the world tilted and spun and for a moment she felt the poignant reality of her mortality as she sank into the ever falling darkness. sometimes being sick is a startling sink into the worlds you forget exist.
  • this boy is all tired out from loving on and worrying about his sick mama

tiredty

  • please tell me that I am not the only one who chews on her coffee cup when the coffee is gone. glerg.

coffeechew

  • lifting the heavy things. cause that is what I do, birthday fun yo.

birthdaygym

  • colder than it looks

colderthanitlooks

  • i know, i know, we already have snow but get ready for snowpocalypse my fellow edmonton peeps ... it is coming to a neighbourhood near you. sounds exciting until i consider the driving, the shoveling of said snow and the fact that it will be with us for the next four our five months. the snowfall warnings on my phone are starting to grate on my nerves.
  • it is crazy out there. holy snow. drive safe peeps. I took the bus home and it took twice as long as it normally does. and now for the first of many rounds of shoveling. thinking that will take the place of my gym workout tonight because no way do I want to drive anywhere.
  • I've been waiting for the grey to come in, the silver strands of age. I've been waiting for a decade and have the same 10 strands of glittering silver. I guess what I am saying is I might dye my hair the red gold that was for decades before the waiting set in. or I might just keep waiting.

 

mash up - October 2014

facebook snippets because this is my space and facebook is easier but things have a tendency to get lost in the ether of too muchness. October 2014

  • the season of tights is upon us. taking advantage before it becomes the season of snow pants. hah.

tightsseason

  • she rustled her skirts and pieces of gold fell at her feet while she stretched her lonely limbs skyward bracing for the north wind's howl and the smell of burnt pumpkin lingered in the wood filled night.
  • one can do everything right and still, still get sick. walking dead over here. so obviously I am making homemade chicken soup and drinking lemon, garlic and honey tea. and rest. always rest.
  • flu bombs and spicy chicken noodle soup and vitamin c rich smoothies and the hot orange dance of sleep melded in melody with the clicking keys of work. the world spins on and i make love to the scent of being alive.
  • pumpkin patch orange dreams that had nothing to do with pie and i can't shake the sense i am sleeping and the dreams are where reality sits underneath the watchful eye of myself.
  • thinking i might dust off the paint bins over the weekend and see if i have any spare canvases to play with. it has been a long while and since this sick doesn't allow me to work out, i will have some time on my hands, they might as well be paint splattered too.
  • today. planted garlic and the sweetest cherry tree because I need another, dog walks in the park and again in the hood. and the leaves are like gold and the sun was hot against a pale blue sky. it was a good day.

gold

  • crocus bulbs planted in the lawn, charcoal stained fingers as I fill an empty sketchpad with play, pumpkin tartlets, sleeping dog, sunlight yellow glaze and the whisper of leaves. soft saturday.
  • thankful for the loves of my heart, family and friends and my fur baby, for my bright sanctuary of a home on the prettiest street enveloped by a canopy of elm trees, for the freedoms I enjoy, the food bubbling away, the laughter and the tears, the breeze blowing through windows and the billow of white, for the soft glow of candles when night falls and for the sweat and strain of my determination and this body that allows it, for the work I do both for money and spirit and for the man by my side who came to me 12 thanksgivings ago. happy thanksgiving my canadian friends.
  • today:*so proud of my boy as he flies back to work with a white hat instead of a blue hat, his first shift as a foreman. so young but such a hard worker and he will be on a learning curve but i believe in him. gosh, i am proud of him for this and for so many other reasons.*today is a bright, blue sky day, the autumn light that is short lived but so beautifully vibrant. and i fall in love with the world over and over again, how can i not?

    *the news breaks my heart but the light heals it all. and i feel re-energized after a weekend filled with laughter and love. and grateful that i am no longer sick and i am ready to hit the gym again. and hopefully the weather holds for many more runs outside on the crunch of leaves with the light casting a glow over the falling leaves.

  • she shivered in the thick mist of dark slow grey clouds and then she heard a flutter and watched as a magpie soared down low beside her, so close she could have reached out and plucked a wing and she watched as the magpie looped up to the tree in front of her. and she was suddenly warmed. she used to call them maggie pies, they were the birds of her granny.
  • I think I have finally learned how to not cut my fingers while chopping vegetables. instead I just swing my knife down in an attempt to lop off my toes. ‪#‎klutzinthekitchenwholovestocook‬ ‪#‎dangertomyself‬
  • i love this. this is my city and what i love about this video, is that every single thing captured, i have done, walked, lived. so beautiful.

  • just saw a scraggly large coyote cross the road in front of us. the commute home just got wild. did I mention I live the middle of a city. cause I do. uh huh.
  • did i mention that i was a contributor for the upcoming issue of Mabel Magazine because I am and you can pre-order this beautiful magazine that i am oh so honoured to be in, ships to your door in mid-November. http://mabelmag.com/shop/
  • a boot stomping kind of day ‪#‎inthecube‬

bootstomp

  • while I was at the gym, hubs completely rearranged his studio. I came home and all I could hear was "check check check". so of course, I had to go down and slobber and howl bad notes on every mic. hah. and now music blaring. impromptu dance party.
  • she sat outside on a bench, the hot heat of the sun warming her face and for a moment forgot about the dark shaped trees, brown with lost leaves for her face could feel the bright green of summer's release.
  • *white sheets *blood red pomegranate seeds *the night air of an open window *soft snores of a boxer dog *dreams that cross over the coyote howl of night magic. *last night. October you never disappoint.
  • i really didn't want to work out last night, a heavy weight session. today i am feeling that good sore of having worked hard and am glad i went even though i really just wanted to put on some flannel and eat something doughy. today i ate some things doughy and chocolate-based and i need to remind my future self that my tummy hurts and i am regretting the eating but i sure never regret the work outs. ‪#‎notestofutureself‬
  • a good long saltwater swim is a balm for all things and saltwater tears heal the heart and feed the soul. and the world of bubbles breath is its own kind of saving grace.
  • just over 20 years ago. i was 25 and a new mama, he was just a couple of weeks old at most and i was completely utterly smitten. my life was changed forever and i am eternally grateful to him for making me a mama, his mama.‪#‎throwbackthursday‬

new mama

  • she noted that sometimes it takes a couple of silver bullets lodged deep into your heart before you feel the sting and wake up but once you wake up, you never go back to sleep and there is beauty and grace in that kind of self preservation. love even.
  • I pushed myself so hard tonight in my weight workout that I found myself an hour later drowning on the stretching mat in a pool of my sweat wondering how I was going to get back up. it was a good night. glad I talked my tired self into it because I really really didn't want to haul myself to the gym tonight. it is always worth going. always. ‪#‎notestoself‬ now if I can just get to the car. hah.
  • it is a scruffy unedited kind of saturday, the kind that is sweatpants all day, baking and rolling around the floor and play fighting with a boxer dog, the kind of day that demands nothing and allows for breathing.

scruffy saturday

  • a golden light, a dark night, a breath that lives and dances out of you like the fog rolling out across a highway that never seems to end and she pulls the grey wool sweater closer around her and wonders at the trouble it caused her then and how the unraveling never happened at all the way she thought it would. and the pigeons peddle their wares atop a high roof, whispering dark secrets beneath steel exhaust pipes.
  • a white cloak of air settled onto her shoulders and she breathed in sharply, the taste of ice cutting her tongue, the very tongue that she used to spill her opinions and her knee jerk reactions but only in the safe coated spaces of those who hold her heart firmly in the warmth of their understanding. and the city buzzed with the birdsong hum of flapping wings beneath the soft clouded warmth of an icy tone.

whitecity

  • what happens when you get to the saltwater pool for your swim workout and realize that you have forgotten the bag that holds your swim goggles and swim cap? that's right, a whole lot of backstroke. whoa, my shoulders are sore today. note to self: incorporate more backstroke into my swim training.
  • she was a stoic branch, a mend for broken wings, a stopover from the relentless ache of howling winds cutting into the very veins of her strength but she had the watchers, the magpies' song fluttering in circles bringing stories of the world above her deeply embedded roots, stories of the world beneath her twisted brittle arms. and for a moment, that was enough.

stoicbranch

  • 1974, trick or treating at my granny and grandpa's house so of course they had to take a polaroid picture. my brother and i were happy to be witches. and more proof as to how expressive and weird my expressions are, pretty sure i was trying out my witch face. throw back thursday, the halloween edition. and awwwws, i just noticed that we are holding hands. i love my brother.

halloweenwitches

 

mash up - September 2014

facebook snippets because this is my space and facebook is easier but things have a tendency to get lost in the ether of too muchness. September 2014

  • there is tired and then there is exhaustion, the dust from the burning of the fire and the need to retreat into a clear breath sanctuary, space and freedom to swim in cool waters of the earth womb. also. it is clear to me that i need a new dentist. because i am still in pain from friday's procedure and i really need my head to stop pounding and my neck to feel like my neck again. grablegoshfuckthis.
  • it is amazing, how a little bit of misalignment can cause a whole lot of pain. and five minutes at the dentist to grind down the problem and fix my bite and i am suddenly myself again. no pain. and it feels so good. and it makes me think about how when one part of our life is a little bit out of whack, it can affect all the parts which reminds me that it is all so interconnected, all of it. everything.
  • a quiet day with my brave boy. he had major dental surgery yesterday and had 20 teeth extracted and his gums cut back. he is on medication and has a mouth full of stitches. but he is doing really well and though I had to hand feed him wet food last night, this morning he devoured his food with his normal boxer apetite. and today will be a healing day of rest. and love. always love.tydogseptember
  • um. yeah. so it is snowing. as I type this. sigh. (september 8!!)
  • septemberprofile
  • puffer coat and toque kind of day. feeling like I fast forwarded a couple of months. very disorienting.

puffercoat

  • peach cobbler, slow cooker stews, tomato soup and hot tea is my norm right now and i am not ready for winter and i shouldn't be because it is only early september. i am exhausted by all this cold, snow, wet rain and dreary sky, this late october, early november weather. i was in shorts and tanks a week ago and by the looks of things, i will be shorts and tanks in a few days. all this quick change weather. is exhausting. i feel like i have traveled miles in a plane without moving an inch. oh well whatcanyoudo? nothing that's what. so i will stop complaining and commence with the shivering. hah.
  • i neeeeeeeeeeeed a vacation. and i will have said vacation if i can just survive today's workday. and by vacation, of course i mean staycation because autumn staycations are the best.
  • makeup less, filter less, after the massage. happily on vacation staycation.

staycation

  • early morning terry fox run.

terryfoxrun

  • painting day. wheeee. it will be like having a new bedroom!!
  • it is good to have a selective memory otherwise I would never embark upon painting projects especially those involving pink walls and a large wall painted chalkboard black. but after days of spackling and washing and sanding and washing and painting coat after coat of kilz, I now have a white bedroom. soon to be robin blue. and by soon, I mean by tomorrow.
  • I love my street always but especially in autumn.

autumn

  • wispy smoke, the crunch of footsteps wading through gold and the barking howl of distant dogs as a sliver of white trembles upwards and the light begins the die back and fade dance. and I exhale.

mash up - August 2014

facebook snippets because this is my space and facebook is easier but things have a tendency to get lost in the ether of too muchness. August 2014

  • staycation weeks are the best

garden ii

  • hours upon hours of working in the garden is rewarded by a swim workout and then making basil pesto cause I have a lot of basil. good times.
  • will pose for pets and scratches behind ears,

poser

  • weight training means I am a sore sore girl. bring it on.
  • sort of ticked that I can no longer access my facebook messages without downloading the new messanger app. I am seriously considering leaving facebook.
  • yard and gardens cleaned, weeded and plants staked and tied, house clean and fridge stocked, laundry done, all but one house project completed and I am ready to return to work and schedules again. I actually enjoy my regular routines of living because it is a good life I have.
  • back at work but at least it is jeans week. easing into my routines with gratitude for all that is.
  • *hot summer sun *letting go because holding on to what once supported me or brought me pleasure for the sake of nostalgia or habit no longer works for me when i have changed so much over the past year *a wall of purple cone flowers (echinacea) along my brick patio bring me so much pleasure that i have decided to grow another wall in the front *weight training and new muscles *long runs, long bike rides, long swims of the slow and steady variety *hot tomatoes juicy and ripe off the vine *raspberries, blueberries, strawberries and cherries picked and popped into my mouth every time i walk through my back yard *supporting and loving myself and it is good. this life. of mine.
  • one day, New Zealand Triathlon
  • gunmetal grey skies and the humid thick heat of wrap around porches and mint juleps, dangling long fingers and long lean cigarettes kissed with bright smeared lipstick and dreams of toes coated with soft grained sand and a breeze billowed pink scarf hanging from a shattered twig dug deep into the earth announcing that i am here
  • dark rich coffee and the scent of orange and fennel on paint chipped nails that trace back to cherry stained knuckles that fought the demons across concrete's sweat stained stench and the miles of highway go on forever and tear streaked laughter floats above the orange haze that is this morning.
  • i am just overcome by all of this.
  • tears. anger. and so many other emotions. share. pay attention. this cannot keep happening.
  • feeling shattered by the state of the world right now. shattered. on the advice of loved ones, I am doing a news and media fast until I can reground myself. it is a luxury that I can do that and I recognize that but I am coming undone. love and peace to all.

overcome

  • last night i went for a long swim and then watched so you think you can dance, this performance healed something in me and i am reminded that art and nature have the amazing ability to heal the soul and the heart,

  • yes, this.  In My Garden of Solitude.
  • a sheen of hot heat drenched across her face and she moves slowly through the soupy air longing for a cool dunk in a glacier cold breath and the fans whirr and she sits beneath a tall cool elm tree swatting mosquitoes as blood droplets form a constellation across her bare ravaged skin and she remembers and she forgets and the cool white cotton sheets beckon her as a hint of peppermint catches in her swallowed throat.
  • re-evaluating, re-adjusting, re-setting and remembering and reminding myself that it is okay to walk away from all that does not give me what i need. it is okay to look after myself even if it means letting go of what no longer works for me, what makes me feel badly about myself, what brings me pain or drives my insecurities. i can only do good in this world when i am at my strongest. i am always amazed at the perspective i gain while running.
  • boyhood. I absolutely loved it.
  • the bees mingle with the flies and the butterflies wander across zooming dragonflies as moths flutter through dark leafy kale and in the soft buzz of stillness I hear the quiet work of my soul as warm tomato juice drips down my chin.
  • it's hot. it's humid. the air is thick with mosquitos. I don't care because I am going to miss these long bike rides once the snow flies.
  • cause yogurt and freshly made boubon black plum compote
  • he is pretty darn cool. well played sir indeed.
  • Not Pocahontas, not a super-Indian, not a drunk and not a slut.
  • exactly. cannot believe how many people have said this too me. do they freaking know how hard it is??!! and hey, i want to get muscular and strong. my body, my right. An Open Letter to Everyone who has told women, Don't get Too Muscular.
  • 12 things white people can do now cause ferguson.
  • every human life is precious and of great value. I am bone tired of the disregard, the racism, the senseless killings. saddened and angry. it really has to stop. vigil for tina fontaine and faron hall.
  • anyone want to buy me this in turquoise, anyone? hahahaha.bia.
  • wishbones drying on a sunlit ledge waiting for something the heart can't release as a shooting star eclipses the moon and brown knees become a soft landing for a thoughtful chin as pine needles poke into worn toes.
  • word.

feminism

  • "Aboriginal people account for 5.6% of the total population in the City of Edmonton. As of 2012, Aboriginal people accounted for 46% of the homeless population.The following is a discourse into this extreme disparity."

Pehonan from Coty Savard on Vimeo.

  • she reached up and hooked her baby finger on the edge of the cloud, puffed up and out and was surprised to find her feet floating upwards towards a bright yellow umbrella and she laughed and enjoyed a sip of tea with clotted cream, raspberry jam and a perfect scone because she knew she would land soon with a thud.
  • in the sad, the grief, the horror. this. this is beautiful. hopeful. bravely talk about what it means to be family. yes. Have We Reached a Turning Point.
  • she tripped over the line of a song while dancing to the notes of long buried poem and dropped her book, splayed out on the concrete, a blood red spot on the hot white walk.
  • for crying out loud harper.  really!?
  • sparkling clean house, dance party in the the kitchen with my boy, his girl and ty dog while the band rehearses downstairs, doctor who, and now I am at the gym to throw some weights around. a very good sunday.
  • holy cranky, pushy, frowny elevator people. take your crank to the stairs. sheesh.
  • my word for 2014 was awake. so i find this to be absolutely true.

ironman

  • i got chills listening to this, the kind that come when you hear truth.
  • omgosh. left work and there are triathletes everywhere. world triathlon grand final. so exciting and inspirational.
  • i have been eating saskatoons since i was in diapers. juneberry what the what??!! just no.
  • 4 ways to honour native americans without appropriating our culture.
  • how is it that we feel impossibly young then. of course because it was then and we have aged unlike henry (and eliot who is not in this photo) who are forever babies. for some reason this month has me remembering then and you know that is okay and it doesn't matter why, love holds no reason or rhyme or schedule. it just is. and it has been a while since i have done a throwbackthursday.

2006

 

mash up - July 2014

facebook snippets because this is my space and facebook is easier but things have a tendency to get lost in the ether of too muchness. July 2014

  • yeah babies. 2014 I tri'd. and broke all my individual training records and was almost 20 minutes faster than my target time. wow. I feel pretty amazing!! it was hard. and wonderful.

i trid

  • saturday's adventure

rad

 

color

  • listening to today. as relevant now as it was, gulp, 3 decades ago. okay, now i feel old. hah.

  • 20 years ago today, i gave birth to the sweetest little boy baby. today he is 20, a man. i love him and all his wonderful ways.
  • after a week of recovery and a lot of walking, am back at it. first swim since my triathlon. wheeee. I do love the training almost as much as I loved the racing.
  • i drink a lot of water from the office water cooler. which is a problem when you are in a meeting. or trying to get work done. ‪#‎firstworldproblems‬
  • the forecast all week is hot, hotter, soooo hot. which theoretically is great except I am sweating all over my house and the fans are just blowing hot air around. dreaming of air conditioning or a lakefront breeze. summer in the city. so not equipped for these temperatures.
  • oh summer hi-jinxs. first it was the sewer back up, then the hot water tank wasn't heating up and now the fridge repair guy is coming tomorrow because the fridge is not really cold at all. hopefully this is the end of our this old house on the fritz problems.
  • grilled home made pizza. friends who cook make me happy.

pizza

  • just paid $105 to be told we need to buy a new fridge. apparently the life span of a fridge is about 8 years (which is how long we have had ours) which is mostly a sad commentary on our disposable society because i remember living in rental houses that had ancient old fridges that were still running fine. i will suck it up, take the hit and buy a new fridge but i do wonder what ever happened to making things that last and what happens to all these big fridges that end up in a landfill somewhere, all that plastic. good grief.
  • there are not a lot of films that i like anymore, it feels like they are few and far between which is why i am so excited for a couple that are coming soon. This one which opens here on July 25th which is revolutionary in its making and Linklater has been a favourite of mine for well over a decade.

  • pretty new fridge is in the kitchen. it is pretty empty as we had to throw almost everything out but I don't even care. we noticed portable air conditioners were on sale and that they would work with our old sash windows soooooo we done did it. it is heat wave weather and I will finally be able to sleep at night. for the win.
  • going into a cool house to get an ice cold glass of water after a couple of hours of sweaty hot yard and garden work. priceless. why did I resist the cold air of air conditioning for so long?
  • 2015. run a marathon. do an olympic or possibly a half ironman triathlon. setting big intentions because why not?
  • ty had a boxer dog date with lily, a pretty white boxer and he did really well. so proud of my boy. of course, I took zero photos. next time.
  • wishing I were home in my garden instead of working today. 3 days until vacation!!

garden

  • the sun is red, there is an orange cast over the city and there are tiny bits of ash floating through like snowflakes. the haze of all the forest fires burning through the province combined with bc and northwest territories fires. the smell of smoke permeates the hot air.

smoke

  • officially on vacation
  • After weeks of hot dry heat, rain and cooler temperatures should be a relief but thinking it is not the best welcome for a first time visit from a friend who is used to LA temperatures.
  • vacation = happiness
  • disheveled, raw and filterless vacation me. I really need a shower. oh well.

vaca

  • lightning. thunder. lightning. thunder. blustery storm tonight.
  • rainy and windy movie day with comfy cosy ty dog. him on the sofa and me on the chaise. blankies for all.
  • After days of cozy rain and grey gloom, the sun blazed out in dancing light and this entire vacation has relaxed my shoulders and reminded me that my life is filled with simple joys.
  • his "I don't care if it is too early for dinner, I want dinner woman!" look

dinner

  • i wonder when, as human beings, we will stop judging others based on our limited views of how one lives, the choices we make and the paths we follow. none of us has the answers for everyone and all of us have the answers for ourselves. but that is just one woman's opinion based on her limited view of the world beneath her feet.
  • i want an adventure. i want routine and comfort. i want a challenge. i want endless summer just not in this extreme heat. i want the cool brisk wind of autumn. i want that first wide awake snowflake. i want to run away. i want to be at home. i want a dream rolled down a river sitting under storm cloud bursting to explode across a parched desert mirage. actually, i think i just want a glass of cold water. in this moment.
  • holy hot. I think my bones are melting or sweating or both.
  • a hot pink post it flag stuck to my forearm and a bright orange one stuck to my forehead next to a lime green post it note with a reminder that the world is vast but the heart is even brighter and bigger than all the roads that lead from here to there and back again not to mention the ocean waves and rivers strong flow. and then i carefully whisk them off my body and press them gently into the pages of worlds that carry my smudged words.

mash up - June 2014

facebook snippets because this is my space and facebook is easier but things have a tendency to get lost in the ether of too muchness. June 2014

  • one month until my first triathlon. i am scared. wondering why on earth am i putting myself through this while at the same time am determined to finish even if i have to go slow to do it. i can do this. right? blerg.
  • "I'd Rather Finish Last than Never Start".  exactly this. this is my mantra as i train over the next three weeks and calm my nerves by reminding myself where i was when i started training for this triathlon (unable to swim more than 10 laps, unable to run more than 100 metres and i might have been able to bike a km on a good day)
  • 65 minutes on my roadbike immediately followed by a 10 minute run and yeah I feel like puking but I'm not but I am sweating at least half my body weight. no joke. holy.
  • i have been reading her words in some form or another for a couple years shy of a decade and i have to say, her words, always leave me a little bit awed in that good way, in the way that makes the world still for just a moment. Story.
  • "If you want to see something different, you have to do something different" (found written on the window in my boss' office. i sort of love her.)
  • A still, warm night and a kick ass swim where I realized fully how strong I have become and the trees are plump with life and the air feels like like summer is coming and the dusky light and the trilling birds and everything feels absolutely just right.
  • a beautiful sunny morning. its a good morning for a long road ride so am popping the bike in my son's truck and we are heading out to a good out of city road. good times. sunny morning long ride with my son. it doesn't get better than this.
  • a quick shower and off to pick up nat and aiden and watch duke play his drums and sing in the park at porkapooloza. wheeee. is a good good day.
  • tackled the crazy weeds in my yard and garden this evening and finished the last bit of reseeding on the back lawn patch and pruned up all the rose bushes. five garden bags later and scratches up my arms but I am so happy and my yard looks so amazing that I happy dance when I look at it.
  • one more week of hard (for me) training and then an easy (for me) taper week and then it is on. my first triathlon. my brother reminded me last night that there is nothing i can really do at this point, either i am physically ready or i am not, we think i am. so am really concentrating on the technical things, practicing my transitions, practicing grabbing my water bottle and drinking while biking (why is this so hard for me??!!), practicing my gears on hills (the course is hilly, glad i went and biked it so i am mentally prepared for that), practicing my bike to run brick (my legs feel like jelly and oh man it is so much harder than i anticipated) and just breathing through my fear of the unknown knowing that this first one will teach me so much as i continue onwards.
  • after running for 60 minutes, I stretched it out with this guy,

swimming

  • there are days when all i want to do is rock in my hammock and let the sun warm my bare legs while the breeze tickles my face. today is one of those days. unfortunately, it is not to be. and that is life right? we don't always get to do what we want, life isn't always fair or just or even forgiving and there are so many shades of grey and perspectives and ways of twisting the glass globe of our thoughts. and so i will be grateful that i am breathing, that the sun is shining and that in a few hours, i will set off on my bike and enjoy the breeze on my sun-kissed face.
  • *salted caramel chocolate covered hagan daz bar *sunshine melted away the layers of my skin *sweat rolling down tanned skin long after the ride is over *10 days until my first triathlon and the nerves sit just under a layer of determination *amazed at what one can accomplish in 6 short months and how that knowing changes everything *working hard at something is the shizzle *i used to be lazy and filled with deep longings and want. *i am strong and powerful and content in a different kind of way *i am happy in a different kind of way *life is good. so good.
  • happy solstice

solstice

  • today,

me today

  • you would think that the fact that the parked vehicles on both side of the street facing you would clue you in that you are going the wrong way down a one way street. or, you know, the one way sign.‪#‎idiotswhodrivedownmystreet‬ ‪#‎epicfail‬
  • one week from today. I tri.
  • crying like a baby watching this. this. this is why completing an ironman is my long term triathlon goal and has been a dream of mine since i was a young girl.

  • when the guys come over to rehearse or like tonight, record, ty turns into a teenage girl filled with excitement and adoration. it is pretty adorable how much my dog loves those guys and the music they play.
  • hot sweaty redfaced and filterless but fastest 5 km training run to date. with hills. feels like I had a good confidence run before the triathlon on tuesday. for the win.

sweaty

  • a calm sort of nervous,

a calm sort of nervous

  • did a mini tri this morning to practice my transitions. first time wearing my tri kit and was super pleased with comfy it was swimming, biking and running and it dried really fast. duke took this afterwards while I was debriefing my transitions with my brother so I am pretty sweaty and disheveled but happy,

practice

mash up - May 2014

facebook snippets because this is my space and facebook is easier but things have a tendency to get lost in the ether of too muchness. May 2014

  • 1983. grade 10 so I was 13 almost 14. my flirtation with short hair. and yes this would be the ubiquitous school photo. wheeee. (throwbackthursday)

me

  • nothing like filing your taxes at the last possible moment. yup. two years in a row. down to the wire. happily done.
  • the real question is not whether I am physically able to do a triathlon but whether I should be allowed to. thoughts I had while attempting somewhat unsuccessfully to stop from face planting on the sidewalk. while walking. tripping over um nothing but my own feet. epic fail. I am such a klutz.
  • so proud of Kristen Perman who is a featured artist in the second issue of seeMag and there is a polaroid girls photo set included so wheeee i also have a photo published thanks to her talent of awesomeness .
  • a beautiful walk with my dog, sun shining and birds singing and white puffs of seed floating down on my face. screeeeeech. no. not seed. snow. good grief. c'mon already.
  • 32, newly seperated, co-parenting, dating, making my own money and finding my groove and learning myself all over again. 13 years later and I am learning myself all over again. its an endless cycle of growth. I love her. (throwbackthursday)

me2

  • biking over hills, the sun on my face, the breeze kissing my lips, the smell of spring's growth teasing me with her fragrance. a good ride and I actually believe spring has arrived. finally.
  • I haven't ridden a road bike since I was 23. today I bought a pretty new road bike and I love her and whoa she goes so much faster than my mountain bike and holy soooo light. instant love.
  • I SO do not feel like running tonight but ima doing it. blerg. even writing this is a procrastination. I recognize that. okay. doin' it.
  • lunch time yoga relax and stretch followed by a massage tonight after work, i love you tuesday.
  • dirt under my fingernails, the smell of mint and tomato leaves on my fingers, freshly growing plants unearthed from the dead bracken of winter, the sweat of sunshine and I am home in my heart.
  • everyone heads out for a run after spending the day lugging heavy things and digging and turning dirt right? good grief.

may long weekend

  • a space has opened up inside of me, a wide open space that is like peace and it comes from doing the uplifting kind of work, the work that reconnects me to what is important, to myself. working the earth, the soil, hands deep into the heartbeat of life, planting seeds and uncovering life. gardening is truly good for the soul.
  • a long sweat filled ride on my road bike which is still a bit of a learning curve because the feel and positioning is so different than a mountain bike but it's coming back to me followed by a late mother's day dinner out with my boy. sushi of course because that is our favourite along with such a good conversation. and he and nat made me cookies. too full to eat them but they will keep. life is good. really good.
  • running is hard in heat and humidity so I have decided to fall in love with slick sweat soaked skin and imagine I am swimming through the heat of the sexy seductress wooing me with every step as rivers flow and pool across my curves.
  • see you on the flip side, today is not a good day for me to be online, listening to myself on this one. have a beautiful friday everyone.
  • was a beautiful morning for a run .. cool breezes off the river is a nice way to finish up. found myself at the park at the same time a 5k race was starting so found myself starting in the fray and veered off as soon as could after crossing the bridge. ran 5 k and headed back only to find myself in the fray again as the racers were finishing up. I should have just signed up for the race. hah.

river

  •  I sort of love my city!
  • this weekend was sort of perfect. no, not sort of. it was the perfect weekend. and for no particular moment or reason and for each and every one of all the moments and reasons.
  • listening to. all things Little Miss Higgins
  • today is a yoga and massage day. i like today.
  • currently listening to close talker, "by the lake"
  • in the first 3 and a half months, I was exhausted. all the time. and sore. all the time. and then. something changed, a flip was switched seemingly over night. and now I am running/swimming/biking harder and faster and longer and lifting heavier and planking longer and I have more energy than I have had in well over a decade. and I am changing and morphing into someone I don't know yet but I sure do like her. she is who I used to dream about. so glad that I finally got to meet her and I cannot wait to learn more about her. in fact, I am pretty much falling in love with her.
  • the dark grey clouds lumber across a wet plump sky and the fountains at city hall rise up to embrace the rain and a tear floats across a stormy thought. and the work day comes to thundering end.
  • I didn't feel like running. got to the park and it poured. it seemed to be a sign. but I waited. and the rain stopped and the sun blazed out behind the clouds low and bright in the sky and I ran and I ran through the magic hour glow and 4 km later, the sky is clear and pale blue and I am so glad I ran. the world always feels so much more beautiful after I run.

sky

mash up - April 2014

facebook snippets because this is my space and facebook is easier but things have a tendency to get lost in the ether of too muchness. April 2014

  • *dr. pepper licorice twists. *sore aching muscles. *an exhaustion that just won't let up. i might need a good 12 hours sleep and i might just do that tonight. *veronica mars movie tonight. excited. *i love tuesdays, rest days, the only day of the week that i don't work out approximately 2 hours a day. tuesdays are my healing days.
  • horribly strained back muscle + hurts to breathe + work = painkillers = whoa dang what work ahahahaha zzzzzzzzzzz. yeah and i am officially on a training break for the next week which really sucks rotton eggs but honestly i just don't want to hurt anymore. painkiller muscle relaxants nom nom nom.
  • 15 years ago, he was months away from turning 5 and i had turned 30 months before and we loved to eat freezies in the snow  (throw back thursday)

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  • happy birthday henry and eliot. we love you, our forever babies in all your light sweet souls.
  • projectile vomiting - its not just for kids.
  • I have survived the most epic flu. I am 5 pounds lighter and it is apparent to everyone I have seen today as their eyes widen and they exclaim, wow. Because yes, it was that bad. fever. delusions. puking. chills. and the dreams, oh the dreams I had. This flu has changed something inside me and in some ways I felt like I have been on a vision quest of sorts. I am looking forward to getting back to the gym though my amazeballs trainer/brother/friend says I must wait until next week and in the meantime, I am shedding, letting go of everything and anything that no longer serves the me that I know and love. Is good. Sometimes getting really really sick allows us to see and strengthen ourselves. I suppose that is true of anything that throws us out of our comfort zone.
  • i guess i think i am john travolta, we are fancy, me and my brother before my sister was born. early 70's if the suit didn't give that away. i love him. (throwback thursday)

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  • canada day (July 1) sprint triathlon. all registered up. *gulp good thing i start up training again after my 2 week forced hiatus. It be on.
  • first day back in gym since injured. intravels of high knees and butt kickers. oh i missed the track. feels good to be back. feels like coming home.
  • relieved. apparently, i didn't lose the 3 months of hard work that i put in with my 2 week forced rest. because i went for a run and had my watch set on my heart rate and after running for a few minutes, thought i would check my pace, scrolled down only to discover that i had actually been running for 20 minutes. um. for the win.
  • massage. where have you been all my life? sooooo good. will see you again in a couple of weeks.
  • "so glad I didn't go for that run!" no one said. ever. word.
  • I had the absolute best girl night last night. amazing food and yummy drinks. the best conversation and hot tub soak under the stars. and um. I made a wand!! April is a magical beautiful and insanely talented host. thank you April and Celeste. it was just what I needed.

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  • running outside is infinitely more fun than running around an indoor track and also marginally harder due to the wind and hills. but. not bad and I am grateful I stayed away from the treadmill for indoor running because I think that would have made it even harder. happy dance. I feel good.
  • last night. speed work. drills and running intravels. I thought I was going to die but watching the sun set behind the trees with the cacophony of geese and seagulls and other birds at my side as I pounded the pavement made it somewhat pleasurable and definitely rewarding.
  • my legs have been so tight and sore and now after my most amazing massage, they feel so goooood and ready for another 2 weeks of pounding the pavement and trails. massage has become my body's reward for working so hard. I have come to believe that the best kind of self care is the well earned kind.

mash up - March 2014

facebook snippets because this is my space and facebook is easier but things have a tendency to get lost in the ether of too muchness. March 2014

  • 24. so what 1993 i guess. girl had some attitude, everything circles back. (throwbackthursday)

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  • she realized that the movement that happens in the stillness is the kind of movement that brings out the truth of her soul and for those years of walking through her silence, she holds the upmost gratitude and reverence.
  • dear gym dude who thinks its okay to hog the rope pull down weight machine with your 40 odd sets ... you can suck it.
  • we wander across tracks and crossroads, sink our hands into the dust of ourselves and one day we look up at the dazzling sky of starry light and remember who we are and that we are made of the solid stardust of love's light and in that breath of remembrance, the jagged ragged falls away and we are revealed. whole.
  • "beyond the very extreme of fatigue and distress, we may find amounts of ease and power we never dreamed ourselves to own; sources of strength never taxed at all because we never push through the obstruction" (william james)
  • sooooo just about 2 months into my triathlon training and it turns out i am in love with running. no one is more surprised than me.
  • some running days i feel like i could run forever and i love those days. today was one of those days.
  • mondays are hard. they just are.
  • and then. there are the hard running days, the days where your legs are still burning from the lunges and squats from the other day and you want to quit every 30 seconds of all those excrutiating 40 minutes. but you don't because this is its own kind of training abd preparation. and in your head you scream fuck you to your glutes and your calves. and for the last 2 minutes, instead of slowing down, you push harder, faster, and the sweat slides down your face and you think, baby you so got this.
  • it just wouldn't be the first day of spring without a huge snowfall and plummeting temperatures now would it?
  • she closed her eyes and could feel the soft water waves supporting her as the stars rose up from the inky water reflection and landed across her face finding their way into the solid center of her softly opening gaze.
  • dear winter,

    we have had some laughs, some spills and some comfy cozy times. but i am here to tell you, this latest snow stunt and cold winds has reminded me how done i am with you. it is time for you to leave and let spring have her way with us. you are like a bad drunken obnoxious guest at this point so i am here to tell you, eff off already.

    don't let my snowshoes hit you on your way out, dar

  • you know you either are committed or should be "committed" when you are just leaving the gym at 10 pm. good grief this makes me happy. ahaha.
  • today: yoga, swimming, laundry, hot tub, and coffee.
  • “Of course it was painful, and there were times when, emotionally, I just wanted to chuck it all. But pain seems to be a precondition for this kind of sport. If pain weren't involved, who in the world would ever go to the trouble of taking part in sports like the triathlon or the marathon, which demand such an investment of time and energy? It's precisely because of the pain, precisely because we want to overcome that pain, that we can get the feeling, through this process, of really being alive--or at least a partial sense of it. Your quality of experience is based not on standards such as time or ranking, but on finally awakening to an awareness of the fluidity within action itself.” ( Haruki Murakami, What I Talk About When I Talk About Running)

mash up - February 2014

facebook snippets because this is my space and facebook is easier but things have a tendency to get lost in the ether of too muchness. February 2014

  • sometimes the voices in her head muffled the sound of her own voice to the point that she couldn't find herself anymore. and so she turned off the computer, set her phone down and walked out the door so she could hear the quiet voices of the trees, the wind and her own heart beating.
  • the city of edmonton raised a pride flag at city hall and so did the alberta legislature for the duration of the olympics. edmonton, i like you.
  • "Just move your legs. Because if you don't think you were born to run, you're not only denying history. You're denying who you are." (born to run)
  • spent valentine's eve in the gym loving on my sweat. good times. 
  • "i don't wanna. yes you do. i really don't. you will feel so good when you are done. but. oh. fine. i'll do it." my inner mind as i head out to the track. this week feels like a neverending loop of a fight with myself.
  • dear yoga, you complete me. thank you. me
  • training for a triathlon is as much about strengthening the mind as it is about the body. that said, this momma's body is gonna be sore tomorrrow 
  • she thought she had lost her poetry on the sweat soaked track or down the chlorine drained shower but then she remembered that it found her at every workout leaping across new muscles and bending across her soft gaze.
  • this. so beautiful. and inspiring. and real.

 

  • 2017. here.

 

  • 2016. here.

  • 2015 (olympic distance). here.

  • cold biting wind. get to the gym, exhausted. in the locker room. bare feet. realized my runners were not in my bag. rebundle up. go home and pick up runners. back to gym. work out. just got home. i should be committed but at least i know i am committed. g'night.

mash up - January 2014

facebook snippets because this is my space and facebook is easier but things have a tendency to get lost in the ether of too muchness. January 2014

  • 2014 entered while she slept and the quiet snow breathed soft thoughts and she considered curling up on the couch under a blanket of softness but instead laced up her running shoes and opened her eyes to the possibilities before her.
  • She remembered that the hardest challenges were the most satisfying and it felt good to be awake in the world and working hard at the seemingly impossible. yes, that's right i am reviving a childhood dream and training for a triathlon. a sprint triathlon for this year with a long term goal of doing an ironman before i turn 50 which means just shy of 5 years. doing it. oh yes i am.
  • when facebook and real world collide it can be absolutely magical. and it was. grateful for an afternoon spent with april.

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  • she hemmed and hawed and shuffled her feet this way and that way because she really felt too tired to move them but she shuffled off to the gym anyway and now she is tapping away in the light of the afternoon. i really must remember this when i feel like giving up and giving in.
  • so exhausted. so very very exhausted.
  • contemplating cutting my hair supra short. it is currently down to my lower back and has been for well over a decade. insane or brilliant, i can't decide.
  • her days are made up of run, bike, swim. repeat. and she stares down the pool lanes and stares down the track lanes and hops on the stationary bike and waits for the ice to melt so she can be out in the trees. she uses her fear as motivation to go when all she wants to do is sit back with a chocolate croissant and a latte and a good book. fear has become her friend and she kisses her fear on the nose and pushes through. again.
  • tonight. pushed myself hard at the pool, arms that good exhausted and then i drive home to discover the graters have been by and decided to pile the bulk of snow and ice right in front of my house and walk, you know, where i park my car. 40 minutes and a shovel and hauling huge chunks of dirty ice to the curb and i don't actually think i am going to be able to lift said arms tomorrow. *insert expletive*
  • my mantra this year ... sweat is my friend. making friends with the crazy amount of sweat that pours off me on a daily basis. whew. currently, sweating in the cube because it doesn't stop immediately after i stop moving. good times i tell you, good times.
  • she quietly went on her way until the need to shout became to much for her and so she burrowed under the salty waters of her heart.
  • 48 hour drive stopping only for food and you know bathroom stops generally at whatever gas station was open, enough money for gas and a fistful of subway stamp filled cards (does anyone remember those?) and the best time in wyoming. 1998. (throwback thursday)

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  •  she realized that the juggling balls create there own kind of exhaustive rhythm and so she let them fall and she watched them bounce across the floor for a moment before she turned and walked away.