(canon eos a2 / fuji velvia 100 / 50 mm)
1. last fall, in the brisk cold wind, i lifted up bits of grass in my back lawn and pushed crocus bulbs into the earth. i had read that if you plant crocus in your lawn, they will bloom brightly and eventually die down before the grass greens and grows tall enough to mow back. spring can be a bit depressed looking with months of brown while the earth warms and the buds slowly burst into greenery. i forgot that i had experimented with the crocus until my husband pointed at the tiny green sprouts and asked, what is that? and then i remembered. and now there are pretty yellow flowers scattered around the small patch of back lawn. this fall, i will plant so much more all throughout the lawn and possibly in the front as well because those bright yellow flowers feel like the best kind of hope to me.
2. it is unseasonably warm this spring and as i look out over the valley of gentle hills, i see the green of grassy swatches taking over and the tops of the trees have a hue that speaks of tiny buds waiting to burst free. it is also dry, much drier than the past few years and i must confess i like it. i like a dry heat that has me constantly reaching for my water bottle.
3. life is quiet. within that quiet it is busy but not in an overly, i can't handle it kind of way. but my being is quiet, something has settled in me and i am having a difficult time articulating it. i feel solid and in the moments that make up this life and there seems to be more living and less questioning which has made it difficult to come here and write. maybe this is what peace and happiness or dare i say contentedness, feels like. that is not to say that i feel stagnant because i don't but there has been a profound shift inside of me and i feel comfortable with myself for perhaps the first time ever in my life. everything is good. not perfect but good. solid is the only word that i can think of to describe it. i don't feel like there is anything to fix inside of me and i am interested to see what experiences come next and how that changes me, grows me but i don't feel the need to work on anything with regards to myself. it is curious but i like it. it feels peaceful i suppose.
4. yesterday i suddenly had an urge to document the world again, in photographs but not with my phone though of course i will continue to do that. i had an urge to go on photography adventures with some of the many cameras that i have collected over the past decade and then some. i am not really sure when this will happen but there is a kernel of desire that has sprung up inside of me, a thought planted into my skin. so i shall see.
5. i haven't been writing much of anything. not even that much in my paper journals. thoughts come and then they fly across the sky leaving trails that eventually dissipate into the air and they feel impossible to document, too personal for even my own future eyes and the poetry of my words has fled because of the lack of pen to paper or click of keyboard keys. writing feels awkward to me for the first time in my life. this doesn't really upset me but it is something i have noticed. perhaps it is a lack of desire to share in a world that is so filled with sharing or perhaps it is just that the trails of thought dissipate too quickly and are replaced with other fleeting thoughts. and i shrug. and move on.