cold mornings, hot afternoons with a wind that sends shivers through me and calls for sweaters wrapped around leather booted tights. fall is technically still a couple of weeks away but i definitely feel the bite.
i have been thinking that i might stop by here more often, sip hot coffee and write bits of nonsense. maybe. everytime i think i will come here more often, i stop feeling like it so it might be premature to actually announce that i may start regular blogging again. does anyone even read this thing anymore and who really cares. i like the documentation though, it is easy and even easier to flip backwards and see where i have been.
i was telling a friend last night that along with the hot humid languidness of summer, some pretty big energy shifts have found their way to me, through me, in me. of course, it makes sense because my son graduated highschool, turned 18 and is moving out in less than a month. we have also had one of his friends living with us since spring. the house has been full and there has been a lot of activity and i am looking forward to the quiet aliveness that fall will bring. there will be leaves to rake, plants to divide and move and a garden to clear out and ready for the snow fall, for spring. and i have been wandering, long walks in the evening breathing in solitude and not really thinking about anything in particular, thoughs drifting by like clouds.
i am at peace. i am content. there is no struggle. and in the absense of struggle (oh struggle my dear old friend), of anything to overcome, i find myself wondering ... what next? i love my family, house, my neighbourhood, my friends, hell i even love my job. i wish i could point to a day, an aha moment, a point in time and say ... this is when it happened but it life doesn't really work like that. it was a slow unwinding i think and a lot of changes and moments, decisions and hard work and drifting relax that brought me to this place. this place of dare i say ease. and i lost weight. a lot of weight. all the weight that i gained on bedrest with the twins, the weight that came after they were born, after they died and the weirdest part is i haven't been trying to lose this weight. for years, i ran and swam and went to the gym and dieted. name a diet and i've been on it over the past six years. but i let all that go this spring. i decided it didn't matter. and then. it just disappeared. just like that. maybe it was all the walking. maybe it was all the work in the garden. maybe it was just the letting go. i have no clue.
what i do know is the frenetic energy that has always swirled around me, the drive to prove something to myself, the constant need for more, more, more ... that energy has settled into a quiet calm. and so. i don't know what comes next. it is as mysterious as the swirl of fog that rises up from the river clearing in its own time.
and the yellow leaves drift down, poking between the corners of sidewalks and dotting green lawns with the reminder that change is constant, cyclical and ease and contentedness doesn't necessarily mean that it is time to sleep. my creativity has gone into the garden, house projects, garage cleanups and painting worn ancient wood and stone, creating a home to house the light of our souls. and i find myself waking up to creating from this deep down rooted place.
twitch twitch and let the white rabbit run on by because alice has all the time in the world to grow small and grow large and open doorways that have been hiding behind the long hedges of summer grass.