Yesterday was my parents anniversary. They have been married for 36 years. Wow - 36 years. Its a bit shocking really when I roll it around in my head ... I remember a couple of years ago, when they celebrated their 34th, I was utterly depressed. Here I was the committment-phobic gal unable to even committ to a hair style never mind a relationship and there they were giggling and happy and I wondered why I didn't have that. My dad, in his infinite wisdom, pointed out that it was hard work and there were tough times and I could have had it but was never willing to stick around through those difficult times. Yikes. Thanks dad. So in other words, it was completely and utterly my fault that I wasn't in a happy, fullfilling relationship destined for a decades long celebration.This did not help my depression at the time. I think my dad was partly right. It was in part (IN PART) my fault that I was alone and might never have what they have. But, to give credit where credit is due, I turn it around and blame them as well. You see I grew up surrounded by people (my parents, my grandparents) who had these amazing relationships. They were each other's best friends, they supported and cared and loved and fought and persevered together through all sorts of crazy wonderful stuff. Now, I wanted that - shit who wouldn't? I wanted the whole shabang, the whole shammozzel, the shit! So, its tough to really settle in to something that doesn't live up the the role models ... to be fair, quite possibly I have remembered everything wrongly though listening to my parents on the phone last night makes me think that the proof is in the pudding and they are still happy even with all the tragedy of the past couple of years that they have had to endure. So there you have it. I may have swung through a slew of amazing people whom I still love far after the relationship but though the people in and of themselves were amazing (come on I will only date truly wonderful people - standards are high here), the relationships were always inherently flawed for a variety of reasons. Sometimes wonderful people come together and it is spectacular for a while but that doesn't mean that it is meant to be, that it is the stuff of happiness after decades of time has gone by. There are a billion and a half reasons for this, some of them the impetous of youth, the growing pains of time and the inability to handle crisis together 'cause of clashing coping skills. It is immaterial really, it happens - you can love forever and not have a wonderful relationship forever. I think that I have found that magic place that I was looking for. I use the word magic in the sense of the magic of reality and truth and timing. Its funny 'cause in a lot of weird strange little ways - I can actually picture a lifetime of pain, happiness, change, tragedy, wonderous moments ... reality culminated in a decades long celebration. Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad - I admire you both and thank you for setting such a fine example of life and love.