I have spent a fair amount of time lately trapped inside the madness of my head attempting to figure out why I am so dissatisfied with life at the current moment. I could easily blame the January blues, the freaking cold frozen tundra that has become the weathered landscape or the darkened sunless skies but I won't because while they may be contributing factors, they are not it.I have looked honestly at the various file folders that make up the cabinet of my life and for the most part I like what I have built. My relationships are strong and good and I have somehow managed to surround myself with loving caring fun unique and just plain wonderful individuals. Its all good. My bonds with my family are strong and warm and when I snuggle next to my son and realize that our mutual supports to each other are based in love I am happy. I have somehow managed to find a person whom lifts me up and loves me deep inside for me and not any type of misconceived image of who I may be and then there is the added bonus that I absolutely adore him. Again all good. A huge chunk of my particular value system is in good steed and I am content ... so what the heck's the problemo then? Its the other chunk that leaves me breathless with pounding chest and chance of sinking into depression. Its the part of me that realizes that the only good reason I have for buying a house is that I can, well and that I want to decorate. Its the part of me that loves my job only because it affords me to buy things. Its the part of me that has too many dreams pushing out at my chest and a fear that I will never get enough motivation to actually do something about them. The people I admire in life are those that are able to find that motivational force inside of them and do the things they want to do. They somehow manage to get past the procrastination tools that clink their way through my head and leave me stretched out on the couch in prone position. I wonder what it is that prevents me from moving forward with my dreams and know that this too is a procrastination tool to prevent me from doing and leave me bouncing around in my head in non-productive ways. Sat in Savoy last night drinking strongbow, smoking too many cigarettes (judging from my chest this morning) and discussing this very dilemma with Asylus and Duke. We three are all in similar positions on this in that we are extremely busy people balancing relationships, family, career and yet desiring to get moving on certain creative projects which are near and dear to our dreams. In discussion, we realized that if we poke through the crap of words and procrastination tools, it is a motivational problem. We are apparently like the rest of society in that we are motivated by work deadlines, money and the like but finding that motivational force inside our heads is difficult. I can rationalize that I have found it before because I have actually managed to finish some projects but it is only because they have been in collaboration with others and I had some sort of accountability. So, I have put together a group of four to work on film and stage productions in different forms but three of us four have also decided to be each other's motivational force. And so by Saturday we all have our projects which must be completed. I will finish writing "Table" a short film concept I came up far too long ago and have still done nothing with so that I can perhaps get on doing something with it ... yup that would be good. I am fully confident that not only will I finish my project but so will Asylus finish his song and Duke finish his sting. Its all good. Sidenote: I had a really great time on Saturday night's girl night. Turbo's apartment is lovely and the conversation was fabulous. Dancing was fun fun fun and the only mar on the evening was a telus argumentative geek skater boy wanna be though I suppose it wasn't really a mar on the evening but rather a fun exercise in dealing with moronic dopes who pick the wrong table of girls to hit on. The wingman was nice though and I am going to be scouring the concourse here at work because apparently the argumentative geek skater boy wannabe works in the building and I may just have to have some fun with that. heh heh. Okay, must stop with the procrastination now and see if I can actually motivate myself here and find some sort of joy in my work.