"The single most important decision any of [us] will ever make is whether or not to believe the universe is friendly" Albert Einstein. I am tired girl insomniac and feeling rather stuffy and ill and so thought I would share my ever growing phlegm with you ... Trying to be optimistic in this crazy office of paper filled desk is not an easy thing to do my friends until I started thinking about choice. We live in a culture where our choices are abundant and oh so very relevent. In choosing how we live, what we do, what we wear, what we eat, etc. etc., we are in fact choosing who we are or so is the idea that we are fed. Be careful though as you tread through the decision process because let us not forget for a second that we are being fed by the corporate powers that be, to buy into a belief consumption system that may or my not make us happy.
Tricky tricky my friends ... think about it as I am not in the mood to go into it on any great extent, perhaps another day I will expound on why we are living in disneyland's virtual reality but not now ... Now, I am trying to realize that I am happy and connected and loved and that a mere 3 years ago I took this job (well not this particular one but the one that led me to this one) in order to survive as I could barely support my son, never mind myself. I chose to survive. I realize that many of my choices in the past have led me to pain and sadness, anger and angst, rage and fear and utter depression, however, as they led me to now and down paths of self-discovery and espression, I wouldn't see any of them as being wrong or bad. Self awareness is always a good thing, often painful but always good. I will maintain this to the end.
Anyways, I digress as always and so to move forward I realize that I choose to stay in this job now not in order to survive but in order to choose those options that I have discovered that I want. 1. A house, a home of my own, coloured in my self-expression filled and surrounded by those I love.
Also, on a purely practical pragmatic side, I would rather pay rent to myself and at least build up some sense of equity, dammit! 2. My September courses: a) bellydancing (inspired by Roo), who knows maybe I'll even get a sense of rhythm (sorry Duke I know you think I have some so how about 'maybe I'll even believe I have a sense of rhythm) b) photography class (as part of a credit towards the program I want to take) so I am off to shop for a wonderful new SRL 35mm camera c) voice lessons ('cause gosh darn I want to be able to sing in front of people without them running in fear at my wrong notes - and also I want to be able to prove to those of you who actually believe I have it in me to sing, that I can't, tee hee ;-) beyond that I just want to spend my time with the people I love ... my son (who inspires me to love more than I ever thought possible and whose energy and sensitivity retains my faith in humanity); my guy (who loves me for me and I know how hard that can be but he embraces my nuttyness, wacky ever changing ideas and moody passion); my close friends (you know who you are) (who love me even though I'm not cool, who argue with me, inspire me and who remain open, caring, insecure, confident, dynamic people) and of course my family (who share my kookyness, my crazyness and my love ... well why wouldn't they - after all they raised me to be like this so if you're going to blame anyone, blame them :) Anyway, papers call and my stack of kleenex has diminished so I must go in search of more but am feeling a bit better about the state of my being and life I am leading ... I will leave you with this ... it is good to mull over and figure out who you are and want you want and weigh your decisions carefully but it is equally as important to move towards action and if not choosing is forcing you into stagnation, then for cripper's sake - jump off that cliff and choose something - there are no wrong choices, just varying degrees of learnings ... have fun