Good day kiddies, Well, its been a crazy assed day here on the workfront and frankly am ready to collapse in a heap but no, still have almost an hour to get through ... and so I will. I have decided that there are not enough hours in a day and not enough days in a week and not enough weeks in a month and dammit I do not like to be deadline driven. Its funny because my life (other than this damn illness and I blame Ruby, oh yes I do) is ticking along quite nicely but what happened to the crisp wonderous feeling of being alive.
Now I remember having this conversation with Duke about how when we are young (and I am talking teenageville here) everything is exciting and it is easy to feel thrilled and alive all the time because new experiences are constantly being thrown your way. At the time of this conversation, I argued vehemently that this never goes away and that I still felt that way about living. Hmmmmm.
So why am I having this feeling that lately I have had to struggle to find any semblance of that feeling and why is it that lately I feel as though I am walking in a cloud of murkyness. Hmmmmm. Well, it could just be that I am depressed. Knowing myself as I do I am not willing to discard that notion completely. Couple that with the fact that I am clearly flu-ridden and well a cloud of murkyness just makes sense. But I have a niggling feeling that there is more to it then that.
Could it be that the Duke is right and I had been deluding myself up to this point? Nah! I have a sneaking suspician that the reality of living has taking its toll on my poor wreaked brain and to top it off much to my dismay and utter glory, I have discovered more than one silver hair atop my head, hmmmmm. Now the silver (and I am ever so happy that I inherited the silver) is most likely a result of my stressed filled, ever cluttered, too much of everything lifestyle. I mean afterall, it is somewhat premature given my age and while I revel in its coolness and look forward to the streaking of more, I wonder if it is the metaphor for my state.
Will I ever again feel utterly thrilled about something or have I grown strangely complacent and cynical in my viewings? It is driving me crazy and I want to wake up from this foggy state and breathe in the crisp air and excited dance of life again. So, I think that it is not going to happen on my own and I may have to go out and explore my possibilities and stir up my innards and attempt to discover the beauty of the outside world and the newness of my life.
I am hoping that Fall in all its crisp glory will reveal itself to my soul and renew my energy levels ... ah the traditional leaf crunching walk through the graveyard always makes me feel alive - hopefully this year will not be any different. Perhaps, my apathy regarding exercise has created a complacency within my body that has spread throughout my spirit and maybe it is time to get those little endorphins rolling again. Any suggestions would be more than welcome ... hmmm really should get a comments section rolling on this blog ... may be a good project for the weekend! yeah ... sigh ... what on earth is wrong with me and if it is just the fact that I am not happy in my job then maybe the damn house is not worth it ... signing off souless "Smoke curl upward Spiraling down Dance among substance Reaching Never quite touching ..." I wrote this 10 years ago, almost to the day ... but then I felt alive, perhaps I have touched too much substance since that day ... or perhaps I should be consuming more substance as I was then, hahahahahaha .... glerg ... back to flying papers not fast enough off my desk ...