bitching madness

Tangerine yellow crushed beneath the stained ink spot of a dusty table littered with someone else's life ... must escape this madness ...Troubled musings hanging by a thread bare piece of cotton, Longing in my happied anguish wondering at the utter fatalistic actions driven into a softly ground bed of coffee grounds, Where do I linger in the grey mass of my mind, emotions scattered across the rocky forested prairies dipping lightly in salted waters ... I want to bitch and since this is my blogger, bitch I will. Am feeling very sad and realized last night that yes of course I am depressed. Duke very kindly pointed out to me that given the course of actions and change in the past year, it only makes sense that I would need some time to assimilate and sink into the search for myself ... lost again. I am angry and bitter and laced with arsenic and am having a hard time feeling any kind of sympathy for anyone right now as I watch all my friends (don't get me wrong I love you) and the ease in which they can live their lives. Now I want to prefice this by saying that I understand that it is all perspective and we all have our crosses to bear and blah blah blah but frankly my dears this is not about you but rather about me right now and since that is something that I have a hard time doing bear with me 'kay ... I am feeling the weight of responsibility and the curse of my crosses. Anger spills across my landscape as I realize that I have had to give up so much and that my options feel limited and while I wouldn't for the world give up the joy of raising my dear one ... I want to kick and scream and lash out at the injustice of my passion wilted. I mean having grown up poor and having lived poor and having to struggle for the barest of survival should have beaten me down to some semblance of happy for what I have ... but it hasn't, well at least not today. The fact that I must work and yes of course I have a great job with great pay with great potential blah blah blah is killing me, eating away at my soul and killing off my creativity, and I wonder if I will lose myself completely in the darkness of bill paying and house saving and while I agree with Roo's links about working to much and we should all be so lucky to not have to, these articles never really mention the conundrum of being a single parent and raising a child and the never ending time and money this takes. I want to run away and find the girl lost in the car tar melt but I fear that alas she has been stung by the demons' scratch and the infection is spreading throughout her disconnected body ... sadness abounds and work is waiting ... I feel as though I have done absolutely nothing this year. And Duke's words come back to haunt me, and I realize that is silly and of course I have done a lot in the past year and might help me to list the litany, (fallen in love and built a healthy relationship; a few film projects; a few paintings; a few poems; a few steps forward in raising my little man; a leap in job title) but then it never feels like enough and my writing has suffered and the chapters lie dormant in my computer and my writing appears trite and meaningless and not worthy of contemplation ... Good god ... I am petty and dreamless and lost in the mire of dark hallways and corriders and over dramitization of grey nothingness ... on the bright side - my sweet son comes home tonight and I am expressing myself in meandering scatteredness, so all hope is not lost ... rock on ... hahahahaha