If you read back through the archives of my life on the internet or better yet, pull out the old notebooks found in the closet boxes, the shelves of dust, you will possibly find a lot of bitterness, angst written darkness and sketches of sorrow, pain and yes even hate. I was once a very angry young girl / woman who took great pride in feeding her pain. I wore my depression like a badge and my cynicism with pride. Its good sometimes to remember who I was and what I believed in order to smile softly at me / her and realize how much I have evolved into alllowing myself happiness.
I could always see the beauty dancing out there but felt that it was often too coated with the dust and grime of life, the blood of others, the pain and the suffering obscured. I still see the pain and the suffering, the loss and the grime and the car tar scent wafting up in excess and poverty entwined but ... but I also see the human spirit, golden and hopeful dancing in a sky of blue dreams. The clouds serve a purpose of beauty, dream, water's downpour and crisp dark cold for tomorrow's warmth. Humanity is beautiful in all its endeavours because it tries, it makes mistakes, it moves forwards and backwards, it loves, it hates ... it hopes.
It can be easy sometimes to think that hope is futile and a waste of time and brings us often to our knees in pain. But I remember a little girl who lived her life encased in a body that wouldn't allow her freedom and yet she was free to love and laugh and hope. And she did until she couldn't any more (see my tribute to my sister). I see people reaching out to help to build stronger community (See server overload because they care). I see people reaching out to help those in need and spread messages of hope (See Global Vigil for the Global Village). I see countless other attempts at kindness, at helping brighten someone's day just a little. If you do just one nice thing for someone everyday, just one small gesture, one smile to a stranger's frown, one orange to a homeless person, one donation to a worthy cause, one door held, and one excuse me and thank you then you make someone's world a little brighter and create more beauty and warmth, more hope to lay over the blood shed, the tears spent and the hour lost.
I smile at all of you today : )