Friday’s debacle

Well, here it is Friday and I am tired, cranky and more than a little whiney and somewhat hostile. What is happening to me - why for am I this way. There is no apparent reason, nothing has happened, neither good nor bad. It just is. I think that I am working too hard or not working hard enough or not finding that middle ground in life.I mean I spent most of last week outside of work in a drunken lushed state of martinis and more martinis at Martini's oddly enough and this week has been nothing but a complete drying out week with not a drop of alcoholic beverage to pass these lips of mine. When one has to work these office type hours crammed with too much work and not enough time and then race around in rush hour and do the swim gym mom thing which is not at all like the soccer mom thing which doesn't happen until the spring and then there are all the other odds and ends that come up, not to mention the constant need that everyone has for you to cook and do dishes and the piles of laundry and the desire to work on art projects and the writing and then of course the switch to own site and work involved in that and well really, its just one long never ending run on sentence. sigh. Is it any wonder I am feeling burnt out ... who do I think I am ... superwoman? Wasn't that a myth of the nineties that we were supposed to be passed by now? One has to wonder what kind of nutbar I am to think that I can have everything. Its my own damn fault really. I remember when I was a young seventeen, driving around in my little red ford fiesta with a then friend of mine. We were cruising the drags of our small town, drinking a rye doused slush (I know I was so bad! but remember it was the eighties and everyone in small northern towns drank and drove, even the cops fer christ's sake) and talking about what we wanted to do in life. I remember this in particular because the air was cool in that late fall darkness of looming shadows and full moon brightness. We got into quite the argument bordering on fight that night as she expressed her contempt for my ideal that I could have it all. I wanted a great career with potential, a loving giving caring partner, a family, many artistic endeavours in writing, photography and art. This was pre-internet as we know it otherwise I'm sure I would have tacked on websites and so on and so forth. I wanted to travel and see the world and escape the backyard of my childhood. She argued vehemently that a person could only do one thing well and that I had to choose what I wanted and that was all I could do. Well, you can see why it progressed into a fight because frankly I believed that I could do anything I wanted and dammit I would have it all. She was right. She is a mother and has a family and that is what she does and since that is what she believed to be true that is her truth. I was right. I have a great career, a fantastic partner and I was never willing to settle for less, a wonderful son, great friends and am working on many artistic endeavours and added film making to my list not to mention my stint in theatre. I am starting to travel as I can afford it and my backyard has grown since leaving my small town. I guess the days of burn out are all a part of the package - as my mom used to say "You can do anything you want in this life, so long as you want it bad enough and are willing to do whatever that takes and live with the consequences" ... I guess a minor case of burn-out is not too bad and I will rejuvinate, I always do : ) Thank the sweet gods for the weekend ... on that note, I have this amazing book called Waiting for the Weekend by Witold Rybczynski. Its a good read!