the words

years ago, i started choosing a word to define my year but in recent years, i didn't so much choose as let the words find me.  and that has made a world of difference in my life.  Untitled

in 2011, the word that found me was 'integrity' and i needed that word, i needed to realign my values, needed to live by them and 2011 was a lot of work and taking chances and pushing myself to get to a place where i felt i was wholly living within integrity.  and i did. and it was good.  and integrity stays with me still.

2012 changed my life.  the word that found me towards the end of 2011 was 'trust'.  i don't think i even realized what it meant for me until i was set to embark on a road trip to visit friends in the vancouver area in march.  march can be a tricky weather month in these parts and a couple of weeks prior i kept reading about highway accidents and every single cell of my intuition was screaming at me not to drive, not this time.  i couldn't afford a plane ticket at such a late date so on a whim i booked a greyhound bus ticket even though i didn't exactly relish the thought of 18 hours on a bus.  i trusted that i was doing the right thing and as i saw cars in the ditch from my large bus window, i breathed a sigh of relief.  in the late night hours on the mountainous coquihalla highway as the snow mounds made the roads almost impassible, i cheered inside knowing with absolute certainty, that taking the bus was absolutely the right thing to do.  i trusted myself.  and that is when the word started to make sense.  it was a big year for me with my son turning 18, moving out on his own and the realization that i was at this junction, this new place in my life.  i evaluated the ways in which i was living and i made more big changes.  i trusted the voice inside of me, the one that knew the answers and i stopped seeking answers outside of myself.  i cancelled trips that i knew i couldn't really afford anymore and friendships shifted as they do when we go through big changes.  i settled deeply into contentment for my life and realized that i had created an incredibly beautiful life filled with love and beauty.  i stopped spending money have been watching my debt receed and the easing of what i perceived were my burdens to carry.  for the first time in well over a decade, i embraced my career fully and even applied for a higher position which meant updating a resume and going for an interview.  i trusted.  and i worked.  and i got the job.  i realized that i haven't really trusted myself since i held my babies as they breathed their last breathe almost 7 years ago now.  i was putting all my trust into the ideas of other people, other words, other worlds.  re-learning how to trust me became my full time job this year but it has paid off in such beautiful ways.

i am entering 2013 strong, confident and sort of new person than the person i was a year ago.  i even look different.  i am not sure what happened because i wasn't even trying but i lost all the weight i had gained while on bed rest, while pregnant with twins, while suffering years of grief and depression.  perhaps in learning to trust myself fully, my body finally let go of it all, no longer needing to hold tight to a way of being that came from all that loss.  or maybe it was months and months spent walking around my neighbourhood, comtemplating the changes.  or the months spent rearranging my house to accomodate this new life i am embarking upon.  it doesn't really matter, the whys just as it doesn't really matter why my babies died in the first place.  what matters is that i am here, right now.  and it is a really good place to be.

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and a new word found me almost a month ago.  i realized that my conversations had been peppered with it.  i wrote it on my chalkboard wall and it sings to me daily.  my word for 2013 is 'enrich'.  it is a good word that builds on what is already a beautiful life.  i realize that there will always be ups and downs and challenges and my emotions will ride the daily wave that is all a part of living.  friendships will forge and break apart, people will die and babies will be born and my hair will continue to grow and there will be days when i fall out of bed and bang my head and bleed all over myself (this actually happened to me last week).  but within all that is life, i have come to realize that mine has settled into a routine that works for me.  though my son has moved out, he is still a beautiful part of my life.  i am married to my best friend and even though we both work fulltime and he spends many evenings and weekends working as a musician, i am blessed to have him and to have the vast amounts of time for solitary pursuits.  i am grateful to have solid beautiful friendships and for the continued love and support of my family.  i am blessed in my career and in the money flow that allows me to live simply in a little beautiful cottage set close to the river's flow under towering trees and friendly smiles.

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i will continue to walk my journey with integrity and trust as i enrich myself, my life and the world around me.  it is good and i look forward to this new year and the lessons, adventures and beauty that it will bring.