beginnings

morning snow ii  

as the world around me hovers in a state of crisp death, the sleep of the frozen, the fading light that sinks deeper and deeper into itself, i am reminded that this is the month that i was born into.  this is the time that i came to live, came alive. and there is a cycle of reminder in that.  and i remember birthday parties in the middle of the dense trees surrounding a long stream of frozen ponds and skating parties with warm fires to warm frozen toes and thermoses filled with the chocolate aroma of a thick steamed drink.

my birthday this year is on the new moon.  and that feels special.  and i will be spending the evening with myself (well and ty dog), with some rituals, with a lot of burning blazing candles and i have made some decisions about the way forward, about myself.  the past year has felt momentous and the work that i have done pushing myself to limits that i didn't know was possible for me.  well really, the past few years have felt that way.  i have put in a lot of beautiful but hard work into my life and into sorting out all the cobwebby foggy corners that had been neglected for far too long.  and over the years, things have shifted in huge ways and i feel like i own my life again after the way lay of grief and depression which found me laying dead in the ashes.  but i wasn't dead, i was just sleeping and in that sleep, i was also growing.  and then i had to claw my way up out of it and it looked nothing like i thought it would.  it looked nothing like what i thought i wanted.  but damn it is really good.  mostly.

i have made peace with decisions, peace with the shit, peace with my dark demons, peace with my light ways.  all of it.  i feel like it all burned down years and years ago and i attempted to build it back up without taking the time to rise myself up.  the past few years, as i have been dealing with the consequences of that, i suddenly found myself a new person.  life happens and we don't always see ourselves in it.  the new self that emerges.  the unknown self.

i am going to be exploring this unknown self, this new face in the mirror.  the shedding is complete.  i am coming alive.  and what a life i have built to come alive in.  it didn't look like much when i was in the clearing because i was so focused on righting the pieces one at a time and it wasn't something that happened in a day, a week, a month.  i am talking a good year-ish for each new clearing in the various areas that had been previously neglected.  i don't mean to be vague, it is just all so personal you know, the job/career - finances - discipline - accepting and falling in love with what i have, where i am now in this life of lifetimes.  all the stuff, the daily routines, the ways of living.  i wiped off the lipstick and the magic and dealt in the realities and sort of discovered that reality is the real magic.

i put aside the output of creativity that had been my life for so long.  i stuck it in a trunk and let it grow dusty while i focused on what needed to be focused on.  it sounds awful but really truly, it makes me smile because i needed to do that.  i recently had my palms mapped (which was freaking amazing by the way, i am still processing how amazing) , and i am paraphrasing out of context so bear with me, that my self-reflection has been in service of art, and not the other way around.  i do not use art to understand myself but my self-reflection feeds my art.  it was a truth that hit me hard, a truth that i see in myself.  its funny because for years after my twins died, i think i tried to use my art as a way to self reflect, to figure things out.  and it so didn't work.  not at all.  it made things worse.  it wasn't until i put my art away and focused on other things, that i truly started to heal and my intense triathlon training brought me back to starting to find myself, all those hours and hours upon hours of solitary physical work helped me to learn myself again.

and now.  on the eve of my birthday, my head is filled with expansion and i have bit by bit started dusting off the trunk that sealed in my art.  i told some friends recently that my training has, along with all the other things, become fully integrated into my life.  it just is.  and all the pieces are.  my life is full and bright and feels easy in that way that focus and hard work, living in integrity feels.  within that i have a lot of time on my hands.  i am ready.  to create again.  and i have learned focus and my truths. and i have no fear.  and i have some very focused and intense ideas.  and this feels like the best place to start. again.  differently.

and so within the cold dead of winter.  i begin.  and i will share as i go because art is meant to be shared.  it just is.