i have been thinking about how much i continue to change, so much so that i don't know that i have time to catch up with myself. looking backwards, i can see where i have been but it is a bit jarring because i am no longer her. and i spent a lot of time this year in a state of denial rather than face the question of who the hell am i?
i remember a sociology class i took back in the early 90s and the age old question of what does it mean to be canadian and how we find it easier to define ourselves by comparison, by what we are not. i feel a lot like that with regards to my self these days. it is hard to be definitive when my mind is constantly taking in new information and thus changing what i believe on a regular basis it seems.
i thought that at this age (46), i would have a defined sense of self. i don't. not really. but i am realizing that is a good thing because it means that i am still learning. i am still open and flexible to changing my ways and my thoughts. i am still growing and changing. i hope that is still the case 20 years from now actually. 40 years from now even. even if it is exhausting at times.
i had previously been under the delusion that change happened when i was faced with traumatic events and i don't really blame myself for thinking that because i had decades filled with a series of traumatic events. life has been pretty easy going (knock on wood) and lacking in traumatic events over the past 5 or so odd years. and yet, here i am still changing at a seemingly rapid (to me) rate. so maybe it isn't the trauma. maybe it is just me.
maybe that is a marker that i can use to define who i am. i am a woman who is thirsty, thirsty for challenge, thirsty for words and ideas and experiences, thirsty to drink at the well of life even though that thirst sometimes is a quiet chug out of a glass bottle that has been worn down over years of time and sometimes it is a loud slurp out of a plastic pale blue squeeze bottle that is shiny new and smells faintly of a burn mark on skin left out in the sun too long.